Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: The Past is Painful

Upon discussing a favorite series recently, I suggested that being a fan of a series required supporting the whole franchise. The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film was a classic, while the second was good but watered down to appeal to younger children and sell more toys. Then, there was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3—the depressing abomination that strayed far from the pack and deflated the Ninja Turtles hype-bubble, a film that ruined families (no, really). I’ve said a lot about the good, but now, it may be time to discuss the bad.

I faced my fears, all ninety-six minutes of them. I saw TMNT3 in theaters when it came out in 1993. Even then, I knew it wasn’t quite right: the jokes, the suits, the misuse of characters, things were wrong, but I still obtained a VHS copy when I could (and own one even to this day). I watched it again, figuring another go would help. Instead, I quietly stepped away from the film, pretending it didn’t exist.

In my youth, I didn’t care about looking up or following specific directors. That was probably a good thing, since Stuart Gillard was mostly known for television at the time, and afterward, seeing as this was the type of movie that broke potential film careers. I blame Gillard a good amount for what happened, as he seemingly just wanted to make a samurai film, but his inspiration did come from the actual comics.

Issues #46 and #47 of the Mirage run saw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a story called “Masks” that transported them back in time to face an evil shogun, but the only similarity the movie kept other than its premise was the Time Scepter. The comic arc, however, had a better story, threatening antagonists, a large-breasted timestress named Renet, and featured the unintentional founding of the Foot Clan. After Gillard realized he wanted a story not set in New York, he spoke to the TMNT creators—Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird—and came up with a script based around that idea. This was the origin of the nightmare.

After that meeting, nearly all decisions made concerning the movie were bad. I love a good time plot, but also acknowledge that most of them are bad. Many of these stories lived and died on how they innovated and established their rules of time travel. I’m no scientist, but TMNT3 seems like it almost had some set ideas, a few good thoughts, but didn’t take time to go back over them or dive too deep into their mechanics, probably because the movie was aimed at younger kids. I get, for instance that two subjects switching places across time and space must weigh the same amount and that they switched clothes, but how did those outfits fit the new person so well? How come April O’Neil’s clothes didn’t go with her but the Walkman did? Why exactly did the Turtles only have sixty hours to get back, and how would someone figure that out anyway? Above all, the Time Scepter was a true McGuffin; as the audience learned nothing about it or why the artifact had that ability, serving no importance other than being a tool for plot.

Speaking of said plot, it was chock-full of predictable tropes, uninteresting turns, and felt like The Green Machine was just plugged into the central story and given a lackluster intro and ending to complete the crap-sandwich. The few good character moments, like when three of the Turtles wanted to stay in the past, were quickly resolved and brushed over, not given enough time to mature. The one exception was Raphael bonding with the young child, Yoshi, as he tried teaching him to control his temper, showing some growth from the first two films. I liked that moment, despite my distaste for children and child characters. An uninteresting Romeo and Juliet-style romance, where the audience barely sees the two figures together on top of that, turned the whole picture into a convoluted romp with no weight or meaningful moments with the characters.

There was even a weird fake-out moment where Michelangelo missed the ride back on the Time Scepter, but came back almost right away, still somehow just before time ran out, and there was no moment left to actually worry or realize what that might mean. Then they had the audacity to end the movie after that, with Splinter’s worst joke in the trilogy and a dance number. The intro was similar, no cool reveal or big action scene for the Turtles. Past characters got something almost interesting with a horse chase, but the main characters just started with antics.

TMNT3 disrespected its previously fleshed out characters. Casey Jones was left in the lair to babysit four funny men from Feudal Japan who liked dancing to “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimore, while the actor (Elias Koteas) got to play someone who might have been his ancestor—a point that was hinted at once and never brought up again—but it still felt like he was robbed of screen time while playing two roles. April O’Neil (Paige Turco) had some fun, sassy, cool moments, even though she would always be compared to Judith Hoag, the actress who played the part in the first movie. It was refreshing to see a strong role for a woman at the time even if she started off as the damsel again. Sadly, something still felt off with April, the same way that Corey Feldman returned to voice Donatello, but somehow managed to sound like the weakest version of him. All the Turtles felt too similar, with lines that were hard to attribute, even for long-term fans.

Some of those flaws were most likely with the writing. The jokes got a bit worse in the second film, but they landed particularly flat in TMNT3. The Addams Family line from the trailer resonated in the wrong way, due partially to time of release, and aged poorly, or how some lines were just meant for those who were adults in 1993 or had a love of old television then. Before re-watching this recently I had honestly forgotten who the bad guys were in the movie, vaguely recalling them being British pirate and Japanese lord stereotypes. It’s a shame, because both are good actors (Stuart Wilson and Sab Shimono, respectively), who were not given much to work with in their couple of scenes together. They didn’t have chemistry with the reptilian heroes either;, the issues didn’t seem personal or representative of valid threats. There were so many other villains from the TMNT lore to choose from.

At least someone (none of the main characters of course) killed Walker in the end, albeit dramatically and with a bad screen effect. It was surprising to remember he was killed off, as there was so little fighting in the film. Bad jokes and worse dialog was easier to stomach in a good fight scene, but there was little of that here. In fact, TMNT3 had the fewest fight scenes in the franchise, and only one where all four Turtles were in combat together. It seems like this decision was made to let them use their weapons more (though those scenes were altered in some countries on the VHS releases this time around, but the filmmakers cut out the amount of fighting overall to balance that. Also, who thought multiple wet willies were a good idea?

One compliment I will give the movie is that the locations used to film the bigger fight scenes and makeshift village were visually appealing. Astoria, Oregon was used to replicate feudal Japan, while the rest of the movie was filmed on transformed soundstages there. TMNT3 was the most colorful and open-aired movie of the trilogy, outside of the sewer and New York alleyways, allowing the camera to pull back some.

But then, they forced us to look at the Turtles, whose suits did not look good because Jim Henson’s Creature Shop did not return. It didn’t bother me until someone pointed out the lip movements and I compared the suits side-by-side to the other movies. Poor Splinter was not only saddled with a new voice that didn’t sound right, but only half of his body was ever shown, because they didn’t build the rest. The man who beat Shredder deserved better. I don’t want to say the crew didn’t care about this movie, but someone even misspelled Michelangelo’s name in the credits. The evidence is damning.

Revisiting TMNT3 was nostalgic, uncomfortable, wishful, and slightly perplexing. I thank it for teaching me the terms daimyo and kappa at a young age, so when that one kid kept calling me a kappa in school because my eyes were bright red in the class picture—okay, not important. But this is one of my favorite memories from the movie. The marketing of the film also boosted toy sales and was good for figure collectors like me, then and now. Other than the tie-in with Playmates Toys, there was a cool campaign with Burger King as well.

Still, TMNT3 just wasn’t good. It was a throwaway adventure, the redheaded stepchild of the franchise, a bad memory only replayed for laughs, now that everyone is on the other side. The deck was stacked poorly, giving the studio no chance to make a movie older fans wanted, since those in charge were more intent on targeting kids and families more for a larger profit.

The studio knew the movie wasn’t good, as TMNT3 was kept away from critics at first. Most reviews were negative anyway, with many calling the film ‘mindless’ fun at best. It still opened at number one in the box office, but made much less than the previous two films. The third installment caused some series fatigue, and the planned fourth installment was eventually scrapped, with many of its ideas changed and included in Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation live-action television show.

 “He who dings the shell must pay.”

TMNT3’s legacy is scarred for many fans of the franchise. There were some attempts to squeeze more merchandise out of the film –  the character Mitsu was going to appear in TMNT: Tournament Fighters on the Super Nintendo, but the character was later changed to Aska. The game developers didn’t want any of that shame. For its home release, the movie was referred to as TMNT3: Turtles in Time in some regions—perhaps to revitalize some interest in the film—but it was never officially called that. Oddly, it had no subtitle. The confusion was also due to the Turtles in Time arcade game that released the previous year, but please don’t associate those two things together—one is precious. Writing about it now has humbled me, brought more perspective to how I view my hardcore fandoms, and has me back working on a particular fanfic. It can’t turn out any worse than what I just watched.